This mess of mine

Oh I'm a mess right now, inside out
Serching for a sweet surrender, but this is not the end.
- I'm a mess" by Ed Sheeran

Sometimes I can't tell what's up and what's down. It feels like the ground is spinning and I can't see clearly anymore because everything has just become one blur. Like in a movie when the camera moves too quickly that all you see is a unclear bleak image of what's really going on. That is how I see the world from time to time. In my state of confusion I can't see the world correctly anymore, and that happens every once in a while. That moment of doubt when I no longer am sure that I comprehend correctly. Feelings and emotions are doubted since I no longer trust myself enough to just let go, to let things be.

Most of the time this happens after I've done something, or almost done something, I regret. These occasions I just want to feel alive. It doesn't matter how. I just want to feel, care about something that doesn't end up with a lump in my stomach that I can't explain. I have felt that feeling too many times in my quite short and uneventful life. However in the last couple of years these things happen more frequently. I don't know if it is just a part of growing up or if I'm actually expressing my stupidity the more days I ponder about in the universe. Perhaps this have nothing to do with me being a moron who makes impractical decisons and just simply that I am slowly growing up and becoming more self-aware. And not in a bad way, but a more mature and grown up kind of way.

But how do you get out of this slump of regret and agony? Because the only way I know how is to listen to way too much angst filled music about growing up, watching a little too much Youtube with inspiring speaches and slowly becoming this perky person I am most days. There must be a better way, for my own sake. Sometimes I wish I could just fly away and forget all of my worries. Not care about anything, not ponder, not go around and dream about another life. Just be, perhaps on a cloud or a moon somewhere, I could maybe become a hermit and just let everything go...
One day I will learn how not to mess up everything, but unfortunaly today is not the day.

/E

Doubt VS Success

Doubt, we are all exposed to it. One way or another. Doubt about youself, something you've created, doubting that you won't be good enough. Even people who are really confident have selfdoubt. That moment when you start to think about how other people will react.
That is the moment you are doomed.

Especially if you from the beginning worry that this won't be your best work. The moment you begin to think about other people's reactions, that is the moment you can start doubting your abillity. And you can never get around that once the thought is rooted in your brain. Not if you stay skeptic, not if you let the self-doubt take over you.

However there is one way you can get out of the grave you just dug for yourself. You just have to drop all of the negativity and think this will be good. You will succeed, you will be brilliant. That is the moment when you start to think around it, when you aren't as incredulous as before. Just take a deep breath, take a blank page, sharpen your pencil and start over.
You can do this.You will succeed. You will be brilliant.
Nothing can stop you now.

/E

...

I wish I was brave.

I wish I was clever.

I wish I was the one who you fall in love with, or maybe not the one.

It would be enough if someone just once would pick me, love me.

I wish for once in my life I didn't need to be someone's DUFF. Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

However it is not something you chose. I decided to someone's DUFF as much as my friends decided to turn me into one. Not at all.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. 

Try not to drown in your own misery if you have any and live 'til tomorrow and promise yourself that you will not be as tenebrific next year.

/E

Crushes and Dreams

I remember the first time I saw him. It was the first day of school, we had just started our new class. Me and my friend from my old school were last to enter our home classroom and there he was, in one of the desks in the front. He sat next to one of the boys, but I can't remember if it was Mr. A or that suburb bloke. However I don't think it really matters. Me and this friend came in anyway and I remember his hair, how I liked it. But I don't think I really saw him, I was too busy looking at my new class and trying to show them who I was. I don't think I realised that he had crept under my skin until it was too late. Now I can catch myself looking at him and wondering what it would be like to hold his hand or hug him. Innocent stuff, and yet dangerous in so many ways. Since we are remarkably different, and the fact that we will never be. Unfortunately the feelings are not so rational, not in anyway. Therefor I will just wait this off, wondering how long this crush will last. Because it is never something more, and considering the fact I rarely know him. I only know what I have heard from a distance, and I know enough to know that he would never go for a girl like me. For the nerdy bookworm, who don't care enough about the world to take her nose out of her fantasy long enough to get to know the real world. I am too much like everyone else, and like no one at all. I care too much and that's all I know.

And the bigger question is if I even like him? Last weekend I only thought of him while I was starting to write this and just before I got to sleep, and that is only because of this confession. 

 So the question is, how do you know if you actually like someone or you only like that person because you are desperate for love. To be able to like someone and have someone like you back. So desperate that you subconsciously create this feeling and imagine that they are real, as if I really liked someone. I hope you get what I mean. How do I know? Everyone tells me that when it's real you'll know, but what if I don't. What if I spend my entire life just waiting for ”it”, which doesn't even exist. What if I will never be loved in the way I have wanted for such a big part of my life. I know, I worry too much. But I think it is part of my DNA. It has always been like this, me over analyzing and scared of stuff that may happen or won't happen etc.

So here comes some stupid list. Hope you like it.

5 reasons why I shouldn't like him.

1. He is the guy that I normally frown upon
2. He calls certain friends ”brother”
3. He parties and drinks, and I know I shouldn't care about stuff like that but I do
4. He is kind of rude and annoying
5. He most certainly doesn't know the words fandom, shipping and/or OTP, which I use on a daily basis

5 reasons I do.

1. The way he plays his bass like he doesn't really care
2. The way he gets enthusiastic when he talks about football
3. The tingling feeling I get when I find pictures and I see him in the background smiling and laughing
4. He has really nice hair
5.  He is quite funny, I've always had a thing for cute and sarcastic guys

Let me just die in the shame of my own little stupid crush. I'll get over this, or he'll do something stupid and I'll realise I am only in love in the dream of him.

/E

Me in a nutshell

I am currently sitting in my bed, with a hot cup of tea and writing this. I am good at being clumsy, all the time. I don't like it when people act like they are someone they're not. I am horrible at telling people I like them, because I am too scared they won't like me back. I read more then I have time with. And I still don't read as much as I'd like to.  




I am embarrassingly bad at dancing at parties, but I only try to embrace it.

I love when the spotlight hits my face as I walk up on stage and I know exactly what I am supposed to do. I am not particularly good at doing things in time. I drink tea.

 I prefer to dance to my own drum, instead of trying to be like everyone else. I listen to Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift. I like when I am just being myself and not trying so hard to get people to like me.


I am addicted to music and laughter.

I am wearing my white fuzzy socks, a tee with the print "Don't stop believing" and a pair of pyjamas shorts.

I like it when the sun is setting in the summer and you are sitting by the bay with your friends, and you can feel your happiness spreding through out your entire body. I 

am angry because of all the stupidity in the world. Why can't we all just get along and stop screwing everything up?
I am afraid of not being good enough and failing.
I wish I was brave and clever enough to know what I want and go after it.



/E

Hey there.

So, here you are, reading my blog, which is just another way for people to share what they feel. I should probably tell you who I am, or perhaps that doesn't really matter. I could tell you all of these things about me, how I am sixteen years old or that I am a blonde. I can mention that my parents are divorced or that I love my friends above most things in this reality. However does it really matter? As it may be you now see me as a spoiled rich girl who feels sorry for herself for the unhappiness in her parents marrige that made them seperate. We all know that looks can be deceiving.

So I am not going to rant about our stereotypes and the stupid roles our society has on us all that we can't walk down the street without thinking, "Oh, he's cute" or "What is she wearing?", reacting to the people around us without even knowing anything about these people. And perhaps it's nothing wrong with that, or maybe that is one of our biggest problem in the first world society. I don't know but what I actually ment to talk about was music. One of my major muses in this world is music. Not only singing and playing instruments, but these vibrations that reach our ears and if you are like me, takes you to this whole other universe. Moves you in a way that is hard to explain without sounding like a lunatic. I think music is almost an evidence that magic is not an unrealistic possibility.

Recently I started to listen to this song called "Youth", by Daughter and it is one of those songs you can listen to and just like the sound of.

However if you ignore this first feeling of peace in the music and instead listen to the lyrics and the pain of the song, then I think it gets so much better. It gets so much more deep and can touch you in a whole other way then just the first impression of it. For me this song is about heartbreak, or unrequited love. About the missery, bitterness and sorrow that can sometimes get so intense that it could swallow you whole. Suddenly you don't know where to go because these feelings are so strong that you are afraid to vanish. It doesn't stay for long, however it is still there in the back of your mind. Or at least mine.

And if you're in love then you are the lucky one,
 'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
 To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I'm forever missing him.

It is something about this line that gets me everytime. Hits me right in the gut and then I can't quite move on. I think it is because I can see myself so much in this. I am sometimes so envious of the people around me who has someone and knows where they are going. The rest of us are only stumbling around in our own little bubble, trying to find our place in the world without a helping hand. At least I want someone, to hold my hand and smile when we see each other in hallway at school. Because if you're in love then you are the lucky one, since most of us are bitter over someone.
And there is nothing to do about it, just smile and move on. Trying to remember that one day that person looking honestly happy could be you.

/E