This mess of mine

Oh I'm a mess right now, inside out
Serching for a sweet surrender, but this is not the end.
- I'm a mess" by Ed Sheeran

Sometimes I can't tell what's up and what's down. It feels like the ground is spinning and I can't see clearly anymore because everything has just become one blur. Like in a movie when the camera moves too quickly that all you see is a unclear bleak image of what's really going on. That is how I see the world from time to time. In my state of confusion I can't see the world correctly anymore, and that happens every once in a while. That moment of doubt when I no longer am sure that I comprehend correctly. Feelings and emotions are doubted since I no longer trust myself enough to just let go, to let things be.

Most of the time this happens after I've done something, or almost done something, I regret. These occasions I just want to feel alive. It doesn't matter how. I just want to feel, care about something that doesn't end up with a lump in my stomach that I can't explain. I have felt that feeling too many times in my quite short and uneventful life. However in the last couple of years these things happen more frequently. I don't know if it is just a part of growing up or if I'm actually expressing my stupidity the more days I ponder about in the universe. Perhaps this have nothing to do with me being a moron who makes impractical decisons and just simply that I am slowly growing up and becoming more self-aware. And not in a bad way, but a more mature and grown up kind of way.

But how do you get out of this slump of regret and agony? Because the only way I know how is to listen to way too much angst filled music about growing up, watching a little too much Youtube with inspiring speaches and slowly becoming this perky person I am most days. There must be a better way, for my own sake. Sometimes I wish I could just fly away and forget all of my worries. Not care about anything, not ponder, not go around and dream about another life. Just be, perhaps on a cloud or a moon somewhere, I could maybe become a hermit and just let everything go...
One day I will learn how not to mess up everything, but unfortunaly today is not the day.

/E