This mess of mine

Oh I'm a mess right now, inside out
Serching for a sweet surrender, but this is not the end.
- I'm a mess" by Ed Sheeran

Sometimes I can't tell what's up and what's down. It feels like the ground is spinning and I can't see clearly anymore because everything has just become one blur. Like in a movie when the camera moves too quickly that all you see is a unclear bleak image of what's really going on. That is how I see the world from time to time. In my state of confusion I can't see the world correctly anymore, and that happens every once in a while. That moment of doubt when I no longer am sure that I comprehend correctly. Feelings and emotions are doubted since I no longer trust myself enough to just let go, to let things be.

Most of the time this happens after I've done something, or almost done something, I regret. These occasions I just want to feel alive. It doesn't matter how. I just want to feel, care about something that doesn't end up with a lump in my stomach that I can't explain. I have felt that feeling too many times in my quite short and uneventful life. However in the last couple of years these things happen more frequently. I don't know if it is just a part of growing up or if I'm actually expressing my stupidity the more days I ponder about in the universe. Perhaps this have nothing to do with me being a moron who makes impractical decisons and just simply that I am slowly growing up and becoming more self-aware. And not in a bad way, but a more mature and grown up kind of way.

But how do you get out of this slump of regret and agony? Because the only way I know how is to listen to way too much angst filled music about growing up, watching a little too much Youtube with inspiring speaches and slowly becoming this perky person I am most days. There must be a better way, for my own sake. Sometimes I wish I could just fly away and forget all of my worries. Not care about anything, not ponder, not go around and dream about another life. Just be, perhaps on a cloud or a moon somewhere, I could maybe become a hermit and just let everything go...
One day I will learn how not to mess up everything, but unfortunaly today is not the day.

/E

Doubt VS Success

Doubt, we are all exposed to it. One way or another. Doubt about youself, something you've created, doubting that you won't be good enough. Even people who are really confident have selfdoubt. That moment when you start to think about how other people will react.
That is the moment you are doomed.

Especially if you from the beginning worry that this won't be your best work. The moment you begin to think about other people's reactions, that is the moment you can start doubting your abillity. And you can never get around that once the thought is rooted in your brain. Not if you stay skeptic, not if you let the self-doubt take over you.

However there is one way you can get out of the grave you just dug for yourself. You just have to drop all of the negativity and think this will be good. You will succeed, you will be brilliant. That is the moment when you start to think around it, when you aren't as incredulous as before. Just take a deep breath, take a blank page, sharpen your pencil and start over.
You can do this.You will succeed. You will be brilliant.
Nothing can stop you now.

/E