...

I wish I was brave.

I wish I was clever.

I wish I was the one who you fall in love with, or maybe not the one.

It would be enough if someone just once would pick me, love me.

I wish for once in my life I didn't need to be someone's DUFF. Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

However it is not something you chose. I decided to someone's DUFF as much as my friends decided to turn me into one. Not at all.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. 

Try not to drown in your own misery if you have any and live 'til tomorrow and promise yourself that you will not be as tenebrific next year.

/E

Crushes and Dreams

I remember the first time I saw him. It was the first day of school, we had just started our new class. Me and my friend from my old school were last to enter our home classroom and there he was, in one of the desks in the front. He sat next to one of the boys, but I can't remember if it was Mr. A or that suburb bloke. However I don't think it really matters. Me and this friend came in anyway and I remember his hair, how I liked it. But I don't think I really saw him, I was too busy looking at my new class and trying to show them who I was. I don't think I realised that he had crept under my skin until it was too late. Now I can catch myself looking at him and wondering what it would be like to hold his hand or hug him. Innocent stuff, and yet dangerous in so many ways. Since we are remarkably different, and the fact that we will never be. Unfortunately the feelings are not so rational, not in anyway. Therefor I will just wait this off, wondering how long this crush will last. Because it is never something more, and considering the fact I rarely know him. I only know what I have heard from a distance, and I know enough to know that he would never go for a girl like me. For the nerdy bookworm, who don't care enough about the world to take her nose out of her fantasy long enough to get to know the real world. I am too much like everyone else, and like no one at all. I care too much and that's all I know.

And the bigger question is if I even like him? Last weekend I only thought of him while I was starting to write this and just before I got to sleep, and that is only because of this confession. 

 So the question is, how do you know if you actually like someone or you only like that person because you are desperate for love. To be able to like someone and have someone like you back. So desperate that you subconsciously create this feeling and imagine that they are real, as if I really liked someone. I hope you get what I mean. How do I know? Everyone tells me that when it's real you'll know, but what if I don't. What if I spend my entire life just waiting for ”it”, which doesn't even exist. What if I will never be loved in the way I have wanted for such a big part of my life. I know, I worry too much. But I think it is part of my DNA. It has always been like this, me over analyzing and scared of stuff that may happen or won't happen etc.

So here comes some stupid list. Hope you like it.

5 reasons why I shouldn't like him.

1. He is the guy that I normally frown upon
2. He calls certain friends ”brother”
3. He parties and drinks, and I know I shouldn't care about stuff like that but I do
4. He is kind of rude and annoying
5. He most certainly doesn't know the words fandom, shipping and/or OTP, which I use on a daily basis

5 reasons I do.

1. The way he plays his bass like he doesn't really care
2. The way he gets enthusiastic when he talks about football
3. The tingling feeling I get when I find pictures and I see him in the background smiling and laughing
4. He has really nice hair
5.  He is quite funny, I've always had a thing for cute and sarcastic guys

Let me just die in the shame of my own little stupid crush. I'll get over this, or he'll do something stupid and I'll realise I am only in love in the dream of him.

/E